On Being A Widow
WIDOWS DAY
Having been prompted by an elderly woman I met by chance on my daily walk, I want to acknowledge Widows Day. She looked like she could do with a friendly chat as well as my wanting to know why she was wearing beautiful jewelry in the Kwa Zulu Natal, South African countryside where walking alone can be hazardous in the extreme. She told me she had not given it any thought. She was obviously preoccupied.
She had mourned the death of her father, mother and then her husband in late 2021 all within 5 months of each other and had recently moved in with her daughter. She had cared for her late husband on her own and told me how difficult it had been emotionally as well as physically. I listened and empathized relating to her story, but totally forgetting to share with her that I too had been widowed not at 69, but at 28 years old. I have also helped many people die over the past few years whilst caring for the elderly in the United Kingdom. The reason I felt in hindsight that I should have shared this information from my personal experience, was because people always listen more closely to those who have stood in their shoes. It brings an emotional intimacy to the conversation.
Experience is more real than ‘textbook learning’. If you’ve been recently widowed, choose at some point a group of people that you can share your grief with safely, and without judgment. Deliberately seek out emotional support. Don’t expect it to automatically come from your family and close friends as it may not come in the form that you feel comfortable with. Birth and death can bring out people’s true colours and that might not always be what you need or want.
Generally, people aren’t self-aware, and tend to transfer their unresolved emotional and mental issues onto others unintentionally. They see things through their own experiences and circumstances, being unable to be objective and incapable of knowing the subtle differences between people. They forget that everyone thinks, feels, speaks, and acts as individuals and that we don’t experience the world alike. Remember that your experiences are different from others. Respect your own process.
You may find that people will try and help you by offering solutions to your widowhood and endeavour to fix you. There is no quick fix to death and grief. It’s deeply personal. Listen to yourself and your own inner voice – follow it and you will find yourself on the best path for yourself. You don’t have to justify anything to anyone if your process and lifestyle makes sense to you. One size will never fit all.
The other thing that happens is that people will offer you platitudes when they don’t know what else to say to you, or they just don’t care enough to try to stand in your shoes for a while. Too uncomfortable for them. Too much effort is required. Platitudes are meaningless forms of taking an easy moral high ground. They also tend to dismiss your raw emotions: “Your late husband is in a better place”, “Time heals everything”, “He lived a good life and had a good innings”, “Be strong. You’ve got this”, “Move on just as your late husband would have wanted”. Outrageous right? Avoid such people or at least don’t take their words to heart.
Invite into your life those people with compassion, good listening skills, generosity of spirit, similar experiences, and kindness. The right people will emotionally support you as you create a new life, make new choices and tread unfamiliar territory that you may well fear. Respect the passage of grief and at some point, allow your new path to open windows of opportunity for self-growth and a greater self-awareness. A widow is a woman who has lost her spouse by death and not married again. But it’s not all is it.
“When my client has learned to answer their own questions, my job is done”
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